This weekend represented so much to my husband and me. It was some much needed time together and it also represented VICTORY! Many times as I laid in a heap of tears, anger, fear and confusion, I wondered if my life would ever be the same again and if my marriage would survive this wrecking ball because you have to be destroyed in order to be rebuilt.
My husband often asked if we would ever be able to go out again, plan, have adventures and travel. The truth was I didn’t know. I had no idea how I would come out of this, but God promised me I would and I held onto that promise. Because that promise was the only thing that kept me going and that promise extinguished the flames of darkness that smoldered in my brain every minute of the day. Some days I had to remind myself of that promise every minute, every hour and sometimes every second. I had to hold onto it because I was afraid if I let go, I would fall deeper into the abyss of nothingness and despair.
My husband would occasionally speak his fear because he too was afraid of me letting go and watching me fall down the rabbit hole. Even if he didn’t speak it, the fear and worry was written all over his face. He had to stay strong, but his body often gave him away. Fear engulfs everyone around you like a title wave, but the beauty of the wave is that it takes everything with it out to sea. You can either choose to get lost in the ocean or let it strip you clean of everything. Shame, humility, fear and embarrassment. It will either bring you to your knees or sweep the grains of sand right from beneath your feet.
The absence of fear never really exists because fear does serve an intended purpose….if we let it. It stains all the areas of weakness that are present and allows us to see where it’s creeping in and how we need to stop it in its path.
For me control was the big catalyst of my fear and the fear of losing control stoked my anxiety.
I heard God telling me that I was trying to control things that were beyond my control. He controlled the wind, the waves and the seas. I could not control everything. He told me that giving up control was my biggest vice and it would be my greatest victory. I could not control the sun or the moon..only he could. The earth rotates because He told it to. Life was not up to me and not everything could be planned. It had served me well, but it was time to let it go.
Control would will strangle you like a serpent and leave you dead in its wake. You cannot control people, you cannot control things and I could not control Him. He had a plan and a purpose, but I just hadn’t seen it. He created the heavens and the earth with a purpose and did the same with you and me. Victory would be mine, but patience was key.
I needed to delight in the small victories and the miracles that had been happening around me. They were not in vain, but were there to lead me to victory.
I needed to lean on those around me because my weakness gave them strength. Strength to falter, strength to make mistakes and strength to ask for help. He was glorified through my weakness because he sent people to help me. I needed to open my eyes and heart and..shut my mind off. My mind is an amazing tool, but it was destroying me at that moment. My heart needed to lead the way and the door needed to be opened.
There would be no more have tos or obligations…only joy. He did not create me with guilt..only love. I had shut love off a long time ago because it was easier then getting hurt. I need to love with my whole heart and not just part of it. Love was a gift and a great power. When I truly love it emanates from my body and the people around me feel it. That’s true love. Sustaining love. Soul quenching love. I needed to go out and love out of joy and not obligation. Love is not forced. It is the holiest of gifts. A gift not everyone deserves to the fullest extent. It was time to change my mental framework and view myself like He did. Like my husband did. He created me and he did not create a mistake. I was to love myself, like I loved others. I was to choose joy because heavens gates are opened with love and so are our spirits.
When you love out of joy, that shows your true leadership. A forced love never shines. It was time to shine my light and let my heart lead the way. Darkness does not stand a chance in the light of love. It slithers and hides because it’s blinded by the glory.
Heaven was not formed out of guilt, but out of His love for mankind. A father loves his children like no other and I would feel this love again. He promised me that I would twirl and dance and laugh until my sides hurt because it was music to a father’s ears
He delighted in my joy, my happiness and splendor. Love would grow like a fire being stoked by the wind. I just needed to take down the barriers that were blocking it. Once I did this I would see His glory.
Glory was not meant for heaven alone, but the people on earth. My family had taught me obligation and guilt. I needed to unlearn it. I needed to learn to love myself without guilt or condemnation because I was teaching my children to love themselves. My children could not do this if I did not love and nurture myself. Mind, body and spirit.
I had abused my body no longer. It could not go on. I needed to heal in order to love again, but healing would come from the inside. I needed to love myself like he loved me, not because He has to but because I bring Him great joy! Not for what I do, but because of the person He created me to be. I needed to love others in the same way.
- Choose truth instead of guilt, shame and condemnation.
- Release my old self and look towards my new self.
- Sever soul ties with people and events.
- Picture guilt, shame and condemnation and handing them over to God. Asking God what he wanted to replace them with.