2 Corthinians 12

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I heard God tell me, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.”  He explained that our relationship had to be pruned so it could bear more fruit.  I needed to sit in order to seek HIM out.  I would have never done that otherwise and I would have never have come to learn the true HIM.  My Father provider, my deliverer, my redeemer, his hands of salvation and his love.  He told me that he was not here to persecute me, but to love me and make me whole again.  For in his love, I would be made whole.  He needed me to lean on him in hardship, times of hope and joy.  Don’t forget Him.  Always love Him.  He delighted in me always.  My true freedom would be found in Him.  Freedom to love, to laugh, to dance and to sing.  For He is the Lord your God.  He would bring heaven down to earth to meet me.  I was enough and I’ve always been enough.  He made me perfectly.  He went on to say that my freedom journey was not just for me.  It was so others could see His works and LOVE!  For His love was not meant for me alone.  I would lead others into freedom! He would give me the words to say and the hands to hold.  I would be His greatest tool.  I was changing peoples’ lives around me and I didn’t even know it.  This was my freedom song! A song meant for others to hear and dance to.  His music was not meant for me me alone, but for others to join in.  I was to share my journey and he would give me the words to say and the hearts to heal! For I was to be His hand and feet.

What is God trying to prune in you?

Is He trying to hold out an olive branch and you are blinded by earthly values and don’t see his gift? 

What do you need to let go of? Sometimes we need to let go of, the thing that we are holding onto the most! 

Father God is there waiting right next to you! You just need to cry out! Can you scream? Yes! Can you curse? Absolutely! He hears ever groan and ever word said in anguish.  He is right beside you and will never leave.  Remember, a kind father lets their child learn and does not just give everything to them.  For if He did, there would be nothing learned in the process and the journey would soon be forgotten. For it is in our struggles that we grow and it is our growth that makes us whole.  A seed struggles to find light and a butterfly struggles to immerse from a cocoon.  Not because our God is a vengeful God, but because he loves us so! 

 

 

 

 

 

Pslam 18

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In my darkest days I was paralyzed and unable to think and move.  My anxiety crippled me into a swollen heap.  I could not care for myself nor my children.  I had to rely on those around me and especially my mother.  I do not like to rely on anyone, but myself.  I do not like to appear weak, but I had no choice.  God had humbled me, as I laid motionless.  I cried on her shoulder, I shared my fears and I let her see every inch of my soul.  What was covered all those year was released and forgiveness took root.  I may not understand everything, but I can CHOOSE to forgive.  FORGIVENESS is yours to give, but not yours to take.  It is the key that unlocks the hardness of your heart and in turn brings new life to your body and soul.  Who do you need to forgive? Write a list…I did!  You might have to forgive yourself or ask God for forgiveness for what what you did to others.  Forgiveness is amazing! Let go and Let God!

I heard God tell me that he was fighting this battle right beside me.  I have never left.  Come huddle behind me and I will protect you.  He told me that I needed to heal my relationship with my mother, in order to have one with my daughter.  I needed to know what a true mother daughter relationship looked like and could be like.  My heart was hard and it was made soft.  He told me that my daughter would test me, but that I would choose love.

I Prayed:  Lord I am so exhausted. Physically and mentally.  How do I rest?  Please give me peace tonight and rest.  Let me awake anew and ready to start a new day.  I feel like I’m suffocating, please protect me from my enemies.  Cover me with your feathers and protect me from the enemies arrows.  Be my father protector.  Amen. 

 

 

 

Speak the TRUTH over YOURSELF

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The serpent is very sneaky and will sneak in, wherever he sees an opening.  We need to fill those cracks with the TRUTH and the LIGHT.  It is in our brokenness that we are made whole.

Truths I spoke over myself:

  • Psalm 121:2
    • The Lord will not let me slip backwards.  He’s my deliverer and hand of hope. My help comes from the Lord.
  • John 14:6
    • I trust the Lord will answer my prayers and do what I ask in his name.
  • Psalm 121:2
    • The Lord is my true helper. He will not let me slip and will keep me from all harm.
  • Psalm 27:1
    • The Lord is my light and my salvation.  My enemies will fall and not me.  He will keep me safe and hear my voice when I call.
  • Isiah 40:31
    • I trust the Lord will renew my strength, when I feel like I cannot fight anymore.  Even though I may stumble.  He will renew my strength and I will fly high.
  • Psalm 46
    • The Lord is my strength in ever present danger.  He takes away the weapons of my enemies.  He will protect me from danger.
  • John 15
    • The Lord is cutting back the branches that bear no fruit.  He is pruning me so I can be more fruitful and heave blessings that I’ve never even imagined.  Grieving is a process and the process is often uncomfortable.  It is in our uncomfortability that we grow.
  • 2 Thessalonians 3
    • The Lord is faithful and will strengthen and protect me from the enemy.  The medication that I am taking is only a tool. My true peace needs to come from the Lord.

I prayed:

Holy spirit, fill me with the peace that only you can give me.  A true and loving peace. A peace like no other.  A soul quenching, earth shattering and heaven opening peace.  A peace that I have never felt before.   A peace that takes flight and fills the space of anxiety.  In Jesus name. Amen. 

What truths will you speak over yourself today? I know it sounds silly, but loving yourself is an important step on your journey.  Think about your truths and write them on notecards. Tape them to your mirror, your wall or someplace that you will see them multiple times a day.  It’s a small step on this crazy and amazing journey that we call life.  I taped my truths to my mirror and they are still there…I am loved for me, I am a good friend, I am a good wife, I am a good mother and I am courageous.  My husband even added..my love is unconditional.   When you are in the darkest of the dark, you can’t see the truth and the light.  You are blind, but you will soon see if you start speaking truths over yourself.  

Let me help you….YOU are LOVED! You have not been abandoned nor forsaken! Father God is right there, waiting for you to take his hand and ready to catch you when you fall.  Because sometimes you have to fall, in order to fly and catch the jet stream of life! JUMP you won’t regret it! 

I am the Vine, you are the Branches

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I asked the Lord to give me a vision in order to help me understand things better and he gave me an image of an orange tree.   I heard him say, “I am the vine and you are the branches.” I realized that God had been gently pruning me in order to get ready for my walk into freedom.  He cut off and burnt the dead branches and pruned the areas of my my life that were stunted and were preventing new growth from happening.  The Lord reminded me that this journey was not just about becoming free, but learning how to stay free in Him.  True freedom does not happen overnight, but it was possible with Father God as my guide.

What is the Lord trying to prune that you are desperately holding onto and inadvertently you are choking your own growth?

Are there people or activities in your life that need to be pruned?

How will you water your own garden and face towards the sun in order to grow?  What steps need to be taken for self care and maybe a brief pause in your life, while you concentrate on your own self care? 

Ask yourself, “what is anxiety trying to fix?”

Tell Holy Spirit, “I don’t want to choose Anxiety anymore! How do I handle it?”

Do you struggle with letting yourself be at peace or rest like I do? Ask yourself , “why can’t I rest? Who modeled it and where did I learn it?”

Ask Holy Spirit, “what is the next step?”

I Prayed:

Lord, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make the mental mind shift to combat my anxiety and that I will always go down the same path.  Give me strength to know that I can do this and help me see the victories along the way and not just at the finish line.  I’m so afraid to go back.  Lord please take my fear upon your shoulders and my doubt. Lift it away from my heart.  Let the paths in my brain change and let me take the glorious path that you showed me. 

 

Anxiety…my friend and my foe

First

My Entire life I have been hiding things in the dark.  My weaknesses, my fears, my insecurities.  Now it’s time to bring them to the light.  The light of truth and unconditional love.  When I first started this journey I wanted supernatural healing and cursed at God when it didn’t happen.  Screamed, lost faith and became frustrated.  I realized I was testing God and when he didn’t respond, I took it as though he didn’t exist or I wasn’t good enough for healing (Luke 4:12).  I’ve never in my live wanted to show my weaknesses, but this journey gave me no choice because in our weakness we are made whole.  As I sought wisdom, it was brought to my attention that God was a gentle father and if just healed me I wouldn’t have the skills that I needed to do this on my own because I have been going down the same comfortable path my entire life. The known..because I’ve always been scared of the unknown.   I think that is often why God tells me things in advance…b/c he knows I don’t like surprises.  Every big event in my life I have known in advance  and it’s given me peace and acceptance that it’s the right decision.  God showed me a vision of two paths.  One was familiar and comfortable and well worn.  There were steps and foot holes.  The other had tall grass and it was harder to get through, but as I walked through the grass I came to a clearing and in the clearing there were giant trees and animals.   It was untouched because people didn’t want to walk that way because the road was too rough.  I needed to learn to take this path when my anxiety crept into my thoughts and I needed to learn how to retrain my brain to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts. You see my anxiety has not always been a burden, it has often been a tool.  A tool that has helped me succeed.  It has given me a push to get things done and in result receive the love and recognition I so desperately needed from the world.  In order to be free I needed to release my anxiety in it’s entirety.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I couldn’t hold onto just what I needed, but I needed God to take the entire thing and fill the space with him.  In my pain God spoke to me about 40 days and 40 nights.  When I turned to Luke 4, I realized I have been serving the wrong God my entire life (Luke 4:8), I’ve been testing God (Luke 4:12) and I felt as though God was me a call to action in the words from Luke 4:18-19.  That my journey would not be in vain and I would bring into the light, what was meant for darkness.  I realized that this deep ceding agony had been my body crying out saying, “no more!”  I had given it too much to handle my entire life, instead of giving it to the Lord or trusting he would take it.  I asked my body to forgive me and asked God to take it upon his fatherly shoulders.

 

The Family Bloodline

family-tree

Very early in this journey I prayed that not only would God heal me, but those that come before me and after me.  He showed me a dream of a cobra and in the dream there were many cobras following me.  I grabbed one of them as they sprang forth and grabbed it’s mouth and tour it open.  God showed me in this journey that it order to heal, I would need to forgive myself and those around me.  I went through those that he brought to my mind and forgave them for everything the Holy Spirit brought to my heart. I released them.  I realized in order to stop anxiety in my children, I would have have to learn and emulate freedom.

How to Break the Anxiety for Future Generations

  1. Teach my children not to harbor their, fears, worries and sadness in their bodies, but to cast all their burdens upon the Lord.
  2. Teach my children that they do not have to perform, in order to earn love.
  3. Teach my children that it’s ok to be weak and rely on others for help and support or guidance.  For it is in or weakness we are made whole.
  4. Modeling how unhealthy and healthy obsessing.  Showing them the difference between getting things done and obsessing.
  5. Modeling how to be present in the moment and not being in a different reality.  Showing my children how I seek Father God out.
  6. How to turn to bible for answers and how to hear the Holy Spirit.
  7. Modeling to my children to do things out of love and not guilt.

It All Starts Somewhere….

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My anxiety journey started over 36 years ago.  You see…I cannot remember a time in my life when it wasn’t there.  It was my biggest supporter in school because it forced me to perform and get the best grades possible, so I could gain the approval of others.  It was also my biggest enemy because it held me back from dreams I thought were too big or situations I thought I wasn’t good enough for.  It whispered lies that people didn’t like me, that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough and especially not thin enough.  It made me over analyze myself to no end.  It left me alone with no friends I could connect with.  It also led me to be hyper-vigilant to the world around me and gave me insight to those I interacted with.  My anxiety waned and waxed through the years and went through a metamorphosis of sorts.  My obsessions changed, my biological responses changed, but luckily God was working in me and gently changing my spirit as well.  He pulled me out of a situation  and moved me to a place where I had no one…except him.  He brought people into my life who for the first time, loved me for me and not what I could do for them.  He opened a window I did not know existed! I flew through this window and got to enter a world I never imagined I could have.  A world of wonder, love, adventure, happiness and joy.  Pure joy that I’ve never felt before.  Anxiety was still there, but it had transformed into something else….A search for a husband, compulsions why I wasn’t good enough and an empty sadness.  All around God was working. Physically transforming my body, giving me adventures I never knew existed and amazing people entered that I needed for this journey.  Some of them stayed for a season and left a mark on my heart.  Others became the rocks, that helped support the foundation of my soul! I spent this season always seeking the next best thing and not enjoying the glory of the present.  I was always searching for something and I think it was peace.

God changed my life when he brought me a husband, that he had set aside for me a lifetime ago.  A husband that would love me for me, not let me be his only adventure, and tested me in areas that I needed to grow.

God changed the season again when my first child entered my life.  With that came insecurities, confusion and doubt.  Anxiety doubled.  Did I make the right choice? Was I meant for this? God worked on my heart and I soon began to see this wondrous little antsy boy as my soulmate.  He changed my heart and as he grew my heart started thinking that maybe I didn’t need to strive for earthly things at work, but stay with him and serve heaven.   As this notion came, a new life was forming in me….Which again anxiety reared it’s ugly head.  It started to attack the things I loved to do.  Travel, adventure and spending time with people.  Determined it would not win, I dove into myself to conquer it. As I did it got worse.  Panic became more frequent.  The enemy charged forth.  My entire life I prayed God would help me control my anxiety, but now I prayed he would supernaturally heal me and those who came after me.  That no one in my family would ever have to suffer with this again.

The   birth of my daughter had a brief moment of happiness.  Then anxiety came in tenfold.  Like I had never felt or seen.  It controlled my joy, my thoughts, my love and brought me the worst physical pain and torment that I ever felt in my entire life.  I thought I was going insane.  My body was throwing in the towel and saying enough! I can’t do this anymore.  I’ve done if for too  long.  I entered the darkest space of my life and feared I would never get out.  I cried out to God, yelled, pleaded and asked him to save me.  For over 28 days this went on and I became weaker and weaker. In my weakest state the Holy Spirit found me and spoke to me.  He found me hopeless, exhausted, hungry and empty.  His words flooded my mind and my heart and began to give me hope.  A hope of salvation and for a life without anxiety.

My entire life I had done things on purpose that scared me.  Jumped out of planes, bungee jumped, jumped off of cliffs, zip lined and anything that would make a person nervous.  However, nothing scared me more then the idea of going insane and losing control.  Control was my friend and I had partnered with it many year ago.

The Lord kept speaking to me about 40 days and 40 nights.  Luke 4 resonated with me, but it meant more.  I felt like he was telling me that this season of weakness and transformation would transition into a season of freedom and victory.  For the first time in my life I had taken authority over my life and out of the hands of the enemy.  I had rested my soul with the Lord.