When I was younger I did whatever I could to please people. I always tried to be the best and act the best. I never shared what was going on inside my head or identified what feelings were going on inside my body. I just existed. Don’t get me wrong I felt emotions. Sadness, frustration, anger and loneliness….I felt them all. I felt them sometimes until them consumed me. I felt them as they almost submerged me into asphyxiation. The world around me was never the wiser. They had no idea what was happening in that head of mine and sometimes I didn’t want to be there either.
Fast forward to now. Fast forward to the present. Fast forward to my journey to freedom. As I went along on this journey I sought help. I had to. I had no choice. The emotions that I ignored for the past 36 years had come back to haunt me. They had never gone away. They were just buried down deep for a long winters rest. Waiting for the day to sprout. Waiting for the day to be recognized. Waiting for the day to be identified. Waiting for the day to be validated. They had piled up on top of each other, until my heart was busting at the seams and no more emotions could fit.
As I sought help, I heard the same thing over and over again. I have what they call a “flat affect.” Every professional that I met had the same conclusion. That my exterior did not reflect what was happening on the inside. My outside stood firm. It had to. It didn’t know what else to do. It had been doing it for so long. I didn’t even know what emotions were happening inside of me because now they were all a jumbled mess. My anxiety was the pure creation (a cyclone if you will) of many years worth of unvalidated emotions. My anxiety has always served a purpose, but this time it was screaming for help. This was going to take more then a band-aide to fix. This was going to take some deep down messy and soul cleaning work.
My body shut down. I went into a “season of rest.” Me! The person who goes one million miles a minute. The person who plans out the entire day! The person who plans out how each scenario should work. The person who likes to control everything! I was forced to “pause.” I was forced to hit the reset button. I couldn’t plan. I couldn’t even think past what was happening in the moment. I had to stop. I had to do what I had been ignoring all of these years. I had to validate all of the emotions that had gone unvalidated. ALL OF THEM! I had to make a timeline of all the important events in my life and go through EVERY emotion! It didn’t take hours….it didn’t take days…it didn’t even take months. I’m still layering it off piece by piece. And as I do my burden becomes less. It’s one less stone that is weighing me down. As I identify it, it becomes a star that helps me navigate the night’s sky.
When I submitted to this “season of rest,” I did so with resistance. I did so kicking and screaming. It was when I truly paused and fully submitted that I understood why I had come here. I had to come to the end of myself, to truly find myself. I had to be exhausted, beat down, worn out and bedraggled. I had to want something more. I had to want to change. I had to realize who I was and Whose I was. My old self had to die. It had to die, in order for my “true self” to be resurrected. The self that God always wanted me to be and the one that the ones that I hold dear, always new I could be.
God promised me, that this journey would not be in vain. That it would give freedom to not only myself, but to my family. It would unlock the shackles that had been set there hundreds of years ago. It would blow the trumpet of war and a battle would wage on to save those who come before me and after me. It would be a song of freedom and redemption. I had been redeemed! I had been redeemed because I CHOSE to be! I CHOSE to submit to the PAUSE! I CHOSE to not fight it! I CHOSE to embrace it! I CHOSE to rejoice in it! I made a choice. What choice will you make? Will you fight against it, until you can fight no more. Or will you submit? Society has taught us that submitting is weak, but my friends that is LIE! A lie out of the serpents mouth! Submitting is not weak! It leads to freedom! It leads to a life that is free of control! A life where light dances off the walls and shines glimmers of hope into the brokenness of the world. What do you need to submit before the throne? My friend I know it won’t be easy, but it would not be an adventure if it was!