Anxiety…my friend and my foe

First

My Entire life I have been hiding things in the dark.  My weaknesses, my fears, my insecurities.  Now it’s time to bring them to the light.  The light of truth and unconditional love.  When I first started this journey I wanted supernatural healing and cursed at God when it didn’t happen.  Screamed, lost faith and became frustrated.  I realized I was testing God and when he didn’t respond, I took it as though he didn’t exist or I wasn’t good enough for healing (Luke 4:12).  I’ve never in my live wanted to show my weaknesses, but this journey gave me no choice because in our weakness we are made whole.  As I sought wisdom, it was brought to my attention that God was a gentle father and if just healed me I wouldn’t have the skills that I needed to do this on my own because I have been going down the same comfortable path my entire life. The known..because I’ve always been scared of the unknown.   I think that is often why God tells me things in advance…b/c he knows I don’t like surprises.  Every big event in my life I have known in advance  and it’s given me peace and acceptance that it’s the right decision.  God showed me a vision of two paths.  One was familiar and comfortable and well worn.  There were steps and foot holes.  The other had tall grass and it was harder to get through, but as I walked through the grass I came to a clearing and in the clearing there were giant trees and animals.   It was untouched because people didn’t want to walk that way because the road was too rough.  I needed to learn to take this path when my anxiety crept into my thoughts and I needed to learn how to retrain my brain to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts. You see my anxiety has not always been a burden, it has often been a tool.  A tool that has helped me succeed.  It has given me a push to get things done and in result receive the love and recognition I so desperately needed from the world.  In order to be free I needed to release my anxiety in it’s entirety.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I couldn’t hold onto just what I needed, but I needed God to take the entire thing and fill the space with him.  In my pain God spoke to me about 40 days and 40 nights.  When I turned to Luke 4, I realized I have been serving the wrong God my entire life (Luke 4:8), I’ve been testing God (Luke 4:12) and I felt as though God was me a call to action in the words from Luke 4:18-19.  That my journey would not be in vain and I would bring into the light, what was meant for darkness.  I realized that this deep ceding agony had been my body crying out saying, “no more!”  I had given it too much to handle my entire life, instead of giving it to the Lord or trusting he would take it.  I asked my body to forgive me and asked God to take it upon his fatherly shoulders.

 

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