It All Starts Somewhere….

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Photo by Ylanite Koppens on

My anxiety journey started over 36 years ago.  You see…I cannot remember a time in my life when it wasn’t there.  It was my biggest supporter in school because it forced me to perform and get the best grades possible, so I could gain the approval of others.  It was also my biggest enemy because it held me back from dreams I thought were too big or situations I thought I wasn’t good enough for.  It whispered lies that people didn’t like me, that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough and especially not thin enough.  It made me over analyze myself to no end.  It left me alone with no friends I could connect with.  It also led me to be hyper-vigilant to the world around me and gave me insight to those I interacted with.  My anxiety waned and waxed through the years and went through a metamorphosis of sorts.  My obsessions changed, my biological responses changed, but luckily God was working in me and gently changing my spirit as well.  He pulled me out of a situation  and moved me to a place where I had no one…except him.  He brought people into my life who for the first time, loved me for me and not what I could do for them.  He opened a window I did not know existed! I flew through this window and got to enter a world I never imagined I could have.  A world of wonder, love, adventure, happiness and joy.  Pure joy that I’ve never felt before.  Anxiety was still there, but it had transformed into something else….A search for a husband, compulsions why I wasn’t good enough and an empty sadness.  All around God was working. Physically transforming my body, giving me adventures I never knew existed and amazing people entered that I needed for this journey.  Some of them stayed for a season and left a mark on my heart.  Others became the rocks, that helped support the foundation of my soul! I spent this season always seeking the next best thing and not enjoying the glory of the present.  I was always searching for something and I think it was peace.

God changed my life when he brought me a husband, that he had set aside for me a lifetime ago.  A husband that would love me for me, not let me be his only adventure, and tested me in areas that I needed to grow.

God changed the season again when my first child entered my life.  With that came insecurities, confusion and doubt.  Anxiety doubled.  Did I make the right choice? Was I meant for this? God worked on my heart and I soon began to see this wondrous little antsy boy as my soulmate.  He changed my heart and as he grew my heart started thinking that maybe I didn’t need to strive for earthly things at work, but stay with him and serve heaven.   As this notion came, a new life was forming in me….Which again anxiety reared it’s ugly head.  It started to attack the things I loved to do.  Travel, adventure and spending time with people.  Determined it would not win, I dove into myself to conquer it. As I did it got worse.  Panic became more frequent.  The enemy charged forth.  My entire life I prayed God would help me control my anxiety, but now I prayed he would supernaturally heal me and those who came after me.  That no one in my family would ever have to suffer with this again.

The   birth of my daughter had a brief moment of happiness.  Then anxiety came in tenfold.  Like I had never felt or seen.  It controlled my joy, my thoughts, my love and brought me the worst physical pain and torment that I ever felt in my entire life.  I thought I was going insane.  My body was throwing in the towel and saying enough! I can’t do this anymore.  I’ve done if for too  long.  I entered the darkest space of my life and feared I would never get out.  I cried out to God, yelled, pleaded and asked him to save me.  For over 28 days this went on and I became weaker and weaker. In my weakest state the Holy Spirit found me and spoke to me.  He found me hopeless, exhausted, hungry and empty.  His words flooded my mind and my heart and began to give me hope.  A hope of salvation and for a life without anxiety.

My entire life I had done things on purpose that scared me.  Jumped out of planes, bungee jumped, jumped off of cliffs, zip lined and anything that would make a person nervous.  However, nothing scared me more then the idea of going insane and losing control.  Control was my friend and I had partnered with it many year ago.

The Lord kept speaking to me about 40 days and 40 nights.  Luke 4 resonated with me, but it meant more.  I felt like he was telling me that this season of weakness and transformation would transition into a season of freedom and victory.  For the first time in my life I had taken authority over my life and out of the hands of the enemy.  I had rested my soul with the Lord.

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